


sticks and stones break through my bones

by thisbluewall



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Bulimia, Eating Disorders, Hurt No Comfort, One Shot, Sawamura Daichi Means Well, Suicide, Tsukishima Kei Has An Eating Disorder, another vent fic? nahhhhhh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:20:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27999633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisbluewall/pseuds/thisbluewall
Summary: He hated himself for it, but at the same time, tear tracks down his face and the vile feeling of it all was just so enticing.Tsukishima struggles with eating and it's too much.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 51





	sticks and stones break through my bones

**Author's Note:**

> READ THE MOTHERFUCKING TAGS PEOPLE. IF YOU'RE GONNA GET TRIGGERED, DON'T READ.

Skinny. A scarecrow. Thin as a stick.

Tsukishima had been called these all his life. So why couldn't he see it?

Why was it that when he looked in the mirror, he didn't see ribs? His face wasn't gaunt, he could just fit his fingers around his wrist, he could easily pinch the fat at his sides, so why was he "skinny"? How was that possible?

Maybe it was because he was tall. Perhaps the reason was that he played a sport. It could be that they were spouting out all that fitness and body bullshit they read in magazines, spewing them out of their throat and vomiting the words on him. 

Whatever the reason, it wasn't fucking true. Tsukki could see his stomach straining against his shirt when he turned around. All those stretch marks on his hips said otherwise as well. And oh, the number on the fucking scale is just the cherry on top, isn't it. 150.8 fucking pounds. Skinny people were supposed to be 130, 100, 85 even. And that number kept rising. It rose with every meal he ate, all of the carbs and sugar adding on and on to his weight. God, he wished he could control that.

But instead, like the fucking idiot he was, he kept eating. Starting out small, with a larger than average late night snack of a couple pieces of toast rather than one. Then a pudding as well. Before he knew it, 1900 calories down in 30 minutes. 30. Goddamn. Minutes.

Of course Tsukishima couldn't just let that stay in his gut, slowly churning and digesting that disgusting lump of shame. So white porcelain, pale fingers going as far down as they could, acid stinging his lip, a pile of vomit drifting in cool water. Flush. Repeat.

He hated himself for it, but at the same time, tear tracks down his face and the vile feeling of it all was just so enticing.

But he was only 16. Why was he doing this to himself?

At least that's what Daichi says when Tsukishima finally, 𝒇𝒊𝒏𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒚 opened up to someone about his issue. The captain wasn't wrong of course. How could he be? A quick nod and Tsukki was off, walking home despite volleyball just beginning. 

Yeah, that was the start of yet another addiction. 

He started to regain control over his eating. Less purging. No more unnecessary snacks. After a very long while, he was eating normally again. Tsukishima wasn't satisfied though. 

So what if he started eating even less?

So Tsukishima tried that. Of course, he failed every day at first. Always ending up binging at night, the guilty calories sitting heavily in him and splashing up bile. And god did he hate the hunger that dragged him down.

However, eventually that ache in his stomach became his best friend. It never left the blond's side. They did everything together, skipping meals, looking up how many calories were in foods, and seeing all the underweight people out there.

Tsukishima loved hunger so much. But you know what he loved more? The fact that his stomach was shrinking, the calories were dropping and he was becoming skinnier and skinnier. Maybe he could finally begin to see what everybody called him.

Don't get him wrong though, it was never enough. Hunger encouraged him along, supporting him when another pound went out of existence (and screaming when he gained one). After all, that's what best friends are for, right?

One annoying part of all this was the amount of fretting everyone was directing towards him. Yes, Yamaguchi, I've been eating. I'm doing just fine Suga. Listen up you simpleton idiot nothing is wrong. Like could they all just shut the fuck up for once in their miserable lives? Apparently not.

Tsukki's dream that he was well on his way to became a distant memory, a dull lamppost retreating on a foggy day. He forced himself to chew down every sticky, sickly sweet bite around others, each morsel weighing him down a little more. So he went back to his old ways, purging and faking his eating when he could.

This cycle was too much.

It was too damn much to keep forcing down the foul concoctions known as food, hiding away in the bathroom, and having his world revolve around food and his appearance. Too much.

~

A small note fluttered in as he left his room, with a pill bottle as its only companion.

~

Gravel crunched as the earth swayed beneath him. Climbing up the ladder, he stared out to the world he lived in. He wondered if anyone would miss him. Maybe Yamaguchi, but he would get over it. Plus the view from here looks so nice, and no regret was at his side.

~

Cool breeze ruffling his blond hair.

Train whistle piercing the air.

Sneaker-clad feet dangling.

Tsukishima jumped.

**Author's Note:**

> am i projecting onto tsukishima? absolutely. (am i also a tsukki kinnie? yes, yes i am)
> 
> my fbi agent is probably very concerned with what i've been searching up for the past hour
> 
> oh yes and constructive criticism is very welcome. ive experienced most of what is displayed in this fic, but still, any grammatical errors, misrepresentations, etc that you noticed, do tell them
> 
> if you need help there are people out there. i have discord and am more than willing to listen, so if you need to talk just say so in the comments. there are national hotlines for immediate help as well.
> 
> stay safe please <3


End file.
